Accusations ..

You made her lit that first cigarette
and let herself vanish in smoke..
You made her drink that first glass of liquor
and let her intoxicated for eternity..
You made her take those first sleeping pills
and let her dreams and sleep snatched away..
You made her put on those awful scars
and let her beautiful skin become a haunted memory..
You left her , when she had nothing but you
you did oh dear! what you shouldn't..

Last letter !!

You know what was the hardest part all along ? It was the final letter.. The last letter I wrote to you , the last brick on the wall , the last kick to the puddle of mud , the last breakdown and the last confession..
It was hard , recalling everything , it was even harder to write it down , harder than recalling them in my mind.. I never knew talking to you in such way could be this difficult and would require such strength , but little did I know I had that strength somewhere in me ..
It rained hard all night long and I simply kept writing , it was never ending , infinite.. Neither I stopped nor did the rain.. Now I suppose I've never said so much stuff altogether in my lifetime but that night I summed it all up..
By the time that letter ended and I had almost a heap of  papers filled with everything I've ever held onto , I was exhausted..The rain eventually stopped after all and it was early dawn and when it was about 6am on the dial , with the beautiful morning , washed over the greens and with the sounds of birds chirping , I finally let go.. I built this wall around me , never to take it down.. I rose , never to fall apart !

You don't get to judge -_-

There is more to her than to how she dresses up and how much makeup she puts on .. 

You look at her an see a woman fashionably sensitive , glowing with flawless makeup and lustrous hair and you talk about it , like there is nothing else to talk about .. Let me tell you what else is there ..

Ever wondered what lies behind the drape ? what is within the book ? who is this person underneath the beautiful mask ?

If you must talk about her , talk about how she sometimes stays quiet yet her eyes do all the talking , discuss how she gets crazy with the little things , admire her for how she struggles everyday to be enough , gossip about how she saddens how and why people judge .. 

If you must talk , talk about how amazing of a person she is .. 

Chalo gumnaam hojayen ..

Chalo gumnaam hojayen..
logoun kay is hujoom main
chalo kahin kho jayen ..
Ghari ki tick tick say , saansoun ki
sargoshiyoun say ,
raat kay andhaeroun say , subh ki
roshniyoun say
yaadoun kay angaaroun say , anjaan
khayaloun say 
chalo paray hatt jayen ..
Badnaam tou ho hi chuke ,
chalo ab gumnaam hojayen .... 

What's wrong with me ?

A friend of mine asked , "So , what is actually wrong with you? "

I stayed quiet for a long while , the silence was real long , , I did not know what I should say , the question was a bit weird to me .. I looked at her blankly and asked , "What makes you think that something is wrong with me ? "

She said , " Oh , C'mon .. its obvious .. You are always sad , you write sadness , you sound depressed , your words , they are always cruel and painful , what is actually wrong ?"

I got the question finally , playing with my fingertips I said , "I am attracted to pain , I don't know why , but sadness calls me .. You see , I start writing about some normal stuff but somehow it always ends up on a sad note or ending .. I am not sad I like sad .. Just as someone loves colors and happiness same as I find escape in darkness .. I am not depressed you know I am blessed .. You don't get to feel sorry for anyone who finds darkness and sadness more attractive than any other thing "

Our firsts :)

"We all have that certain kinda disease

which makes us keep our firsts like a

treasure..

First love , first heartbreak , first wound,

first scar , first loss , first step towards

reality ..

And at the end , we never want to let it

go because these things becomes our

identity .."

Misery ..

She had this world all chained up to her wrists , pulling her into that hollow deep shit , she was caged , all stuck onto something , something that she couldn't see or hear but feel , she never saw those chains but she felt the crackling of them as they are pulled up.. People said it's all in her head ..
She felt miserable , to the point where somehow she started doubting herself as insane but that insanity got worse and then worst ..

All she tried to manage was not to collapse anytime soon but she saw that coming .. 
One day she will be crumbled up into pieces like a pastry .. The voices , the screams , they were all there all along , getting louder and louder with those chains crackling up as she struggled to get out of the cage ..

Difference

He thought of the rainy days , the winter nights cuddling forever , the thoughts of summer afternoons , lingering together with her .. He had the thoughts of sunset and the dawns , the stars and the full moon , that life of a perfect story .. The dreams he had , for never real , a fantasy or a myth !!

She thinks of what it was , what it will or would be , scared of the things , of the people around..
Thoughts of what to answer , how it would be.. She was a girl , he wouldn't seem to understand.. She had her fears , along with those dreams.. She thinks of the courage , that she'd never have !!

But they both knew ..

They both knew
all too well , it was destined to get apart ,
It wasn't eternal , wasn't for long ,
but addicted they were..
So now it's hard , hard to be apart ..
Forcing each other , pushing , trying ,
waiting for something ..
Something never to be happen again..
Destiny had it all written ,
and they both knew ..

Stupid Diaries ..

(2:45 AM)

Dear Diary !
Today was the worst day of my life .. I lost someone , I lost a part of me and it hurts , it hurts so bad em afraid it would bleed , funny thing is , I lost something that never belonged to me .. or should I say I never dared to make it mine , either ways , I lost today ..
From the past 2 years this girl was the only person I had my eyes on .. I saw her in her best and at her worst .. I saw her laughing out loud among her friends and I saw her got into this fight , this fight with some students of the campus .. Gosh ! she was furious , like she would rip someone's throat apart , I doubted that .. So that day I had to step up and get her away from them .. I calmed her down and finally when she was calmed down I left her alone with her girls ..I guess I shouldn't have ..
It's not that I haven't tried . I did , but then again somehow I felt like I am not good enough for her, of course I am not ,I will never be .. I thought I should be a better person for her , after all she is flawless and why would she give a damn about me ? But I guess I ran out of time ..
Today , when I saw her with that boy , smiling , as if she has her world all lighten up with stars shining over her  when finally I realized I really am not good enough for her and when now I feel like I've missed any chances if I ever had , something is breaking inside me , like I am losing everything I have ever held on to , my hope , my hope of being with her is gone !!

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(2:45 AM)


Dear Diary !!

Today I am starting a new chapter in my life .. A chapter I thought would be different in different scenario and with a different person but well life never turns out the way you plan it , right ? I should be happy right now but I don't know why there is something that is not there and I can not figure it out ..
I've waited two long years for this boy , waited that one fine day he will come to me or ask me out but he never did .. I saw him everyday , he was right there in front of me everyday in the campus , always around or maybe I was always around , either way I wonder how he never noticed how much I adore him , how much I wanted him to step up to me , how my cheeks flushed when out of nowhere he suddenly glare at me ..
Ahh ! I remember the day , that day when some of the students from a group caught me staring at him again , and they called him a loser , I lost it all of a sudden , we had a huge fight and I had no idea what I was doing until he came and got me away .. I peaked at him , I was afraid he would know the reason behind the fight.. I still think he is not a loser , maybe he doesn't like me ..
Every time I thought to reach him first , my friends said just wait for him , you are a girl, you should wait and that was true , If he liked me he would have spoken up .. And now today , finally I realized that there are somethings that never belongs to you , so was he .. He was never mine , he never will be .. 
It hurts , so much but it will get better , I figured it out , I know what was there all along and now it's not , it's my hope .. !!