Lullaby

Switching pillows , switching sides
like this night's the longest night ..

Broken dreams and memories ,
puzzle with a missing piece..

All these pictures on my floor
the one with you on my front door..

Incomplete poems , handwritten notes ,
on your every birthday that I wrote..

If only you could be here tonight
& help me stop this all collide ..

Baby sing to me a lullaby ..
fairies angels to say me hie ..

Be with me & be here right
and make me pass this longest night !!

True Love

Fireworks and shining stars
or fairy tales and golden hearts..
Is that it is ? Is that you call it ?
Wonder struck and a heart on sleeve
and dancing in the moon light beam..
Is that it is ? Is that you call it ?
or maybe worst !
Open wounds and blood stained sheets
nightmares where the demons meet ..
Is that it is ? Is that you call it ?
True love that they talk about ?
True love they never found ..
So darling ! true love is over rated
an exaggeration ,an illusion or a myth !!

Blame it on me !

After a couple of years they met.. He was amazed to see her in such a good shape , for some reasons he expected her to be a damaged shattered scared girl but there she was perfect , answering every question he asked ..
Hesitantly , he came up to the question he has been wanting to ask for the past two years ..
"So you lived without me , happily ever after , yeah ? " he laughed , for no reason ..
She looked puzzled suddenly , Hmm ! now what is the answer you've got.. No matter what you say , you betrayed me , you moved on this easily and I did not ... he thought with a pride in his heart , finally he was about to win the battle of blame and love , the happiness was the kind when he always wins a chess game..
But then she spoke .
"I've never lived without you" 
He felt numb , his face looked like the blood drained out of the body and the heart denied to pump blood through out his veins , how can he be defeated at this stage ..
She continued , "You see , I have this corner in my heart where I still have you , you were my angel once but then you became my demon who lives inside me , feed on me " circling her finger around the cup of hot coffee she added , "There is this hidden corner in my cupboard where I have your belongings , I've lived an eternity around you , I breath with you through those love notes you once wrote , you live with me in my playlist , in my favorite songs because I can feel your voice echo in these lyrics . If only you could look the last searched name on my facebook account .. If only you could make sense with the senseless , if only you could think beyond blames and egos and if only for once you could be the person that is better as a demon than an angel"
And then she walked out. It was the last battle of love , and he was not the winner again ..

Current Situation , As I know it

I've been following news and politics for a while now ..Here I'd admit that I've never been into these things before.. Either I was too young for all this or either I was hopeless until now ..Believe me ,I've tried real hard not to write anything about it because I know its pointless , because I know people have been listening to the same stuff these days everywhere but then it's been almost 20 days now and my head is filling up with things I can carry no more , so here we go !
Before I go any further ,I would like to clearly state that these are purely my own thoughts and opinions (to which you might disagree) but as I believe this is my personal space , a personal blog where I can freely share whatever I want.. My opinions might differ from yours but I'll try my best to get my figures and facts valid..

For starters, a friend of mine is concerned about the International Media reporting about the protests.. I don't know what they are reporting but I'd like to ask my friend , If these protests embarrasses you in front of them , doesn't it when your people never raise a word against the evil ? She said people are laughing about how these protesters went through 'Red Zone' .. So for this my friend , it is their democratic right to protest 'ANY WHERE' in their 'OWN COUNTRY'.. Do people laugh when Americans protest in front of White House ? Guess what ? No , They don't !

Second thing , Imran Khan <3 Yes I am a pro-PTI and I love Imran Khan as a politician .. But somethings are not about him , it's about the things he says .. I cannot understand what is one thing that is senseless ? All he guides people to do is to raise their voice for their rights , aware people to ask about their money , where does their money go? What is there in it that is so complicated to understand ? I know it is hard to trust any politician in these circumstances but why talk about a politician ? You don't even trust your best friend or partners these days , do you ? But does that mean you lose hope ? No . you don't !
And the last one I've been thinking about from the start .. What are the both parties asking from the very first day ?

- PTI : Asking about the rigging in Elections 2013

-PAT : Asking about the FIR for the people murdered in Model Town Incident 

For PTI , I was thinking about a simple example which might be silly but well .. If you're sitting beside a person and suddenly you get up and say to him , 'Hey ! you stole my watch'.. What will be the first reaction from him ? He will ask you to check him if he hadn't taken your watch , but he will refuse to check anything if he's guilty ..

There you go ! I guess I made my point !

For PAT , FIR is the right of every person in a democratic country , there can be no justification when 14 people dies by the police gunfire who were protesting which was again their democratic right .. Funny thing is PAT had to protest for a simple FIR ..

Politics , I know is kind of a roller coaster and I am no expert in this but little did I know there are somethings you need to see and think about .. You can be a supporter of anyone but how could you not be a supporter of the most genuine thing , Humanity !

Accusations ..

You made her lit that first cigarette
and let herself vanish in smoke..
You made her drink that first glass of liquor
and let her intoxicated for eternity..
You made her take those first sleeping pills
and let her dreams and sleep snatched away..
You made her put on those awful scars
and let her beautiful skin become a haunted memory..
You left her , when she had nothing but you
you did oh dear! what you shouldn't..

Last letter !!

You know what was the hardest part all along ? It was the final letter.. The last letter I wrote to you , the last brick on the wall , the last kick to the puddle of mud , the last breakdown and the last confession..
It was hard , recalling everything , it was even harder to write it down , harder than recalling them in my mind.. I never knew talking to you in such way could be this difficult and would require such strength , but little did I know I had that strength somewhere in me ..
It rained hard all night long and I simply kept writing , it was never ending , infinite.. Neither I stopped nor did the rain.. Now I suppose I've never said so much stuff altogether in my lifetime but that night I summed it all up..
By the time that letter ended and I had almost a heap of  papers filled with everything I've ever held onto , I was exhausted..The rain eventually stopped after all and it was early dawn and when it was about 6am on the dial , with the beautiful morning , washed over the greens and with the sounds of birds chirping , I finally let go.. I built this wall around me , never to take it down.. I rose , never to fall apart !

You don't get to judge -_-

There is more to her than to how she dresses up and how much makeup she puts on .. 

You look at her an see a woman fashionably sensitive , glowing with flawless makeup and lustrous hair and you talk about it , like there is nothing else to talk about .. Let me tell you what else is there ..

Ever wondered what lies behind the drape ? what is within the book ? who is this person underneath the beautiful mask ?

If you must talk about her , talk about how she sometimes stays quiet yet her eyes do all the talking , discuss how she gets crazy with the little things , admire her for how she struggles everyday to be enough , gossip about how she saddens how and why people judge .. 

If you must talk , talk about how amazing of a person she is .. 

Chalo gumnaam hojayen ..

Chalo gumnaam hojayen..
logoun kay is hujoom main
chalo kahin kho jayen ..
Ghari ki tick tick say , saansoun ki
sargoshiyoun say ,
raat kay andhaeroun say , subh ki
roshniyoun say
yaadoun kay angaaroun say , anjaan
khayaloun say 
chalo paray hatt jayen ..
Badnaam tou ho hi chuke ,
chalo ab gumnaam hojayen .... 

What's wrong with me ?

A friend of mine asked , "So , what is actually wrong with you? "

I stayed quiet for a long while , the silence was real long , , I did not know what I should say , the question was a bit weird to me .. I looked at her blankly and asked , "What makes you think that something is wrong with me ? "

She said , " Oh , C'mon .. its obvious .. You are always sad , you write sadness , you sound depressed , your words , they are always cruel and painful , what is actually wrong ?"

I got the question finally , playing with my fingertips I said , "I am attracted to pain , I don't know why , but sadness calls me .. You see , I start writing about some normal stuff but somehow it always ends up on a sad note or ending .. I am not sad I like sad .. Just as someone loves colors and happiness same as I find escape in darkness .. I am not depressed you know I am blessed .. You don't get to feel sorry for anyone who finds darkness and sadness more attractive than any other thing "

Our firsts :)

"We all have that certain kinda disease

which makes us keep our firsts like a

treasure..

First love , first heartbreak , first wound,

first scar , first loss , first step towards

reality ..

And at the end , we never want to let it

go because these things becomes our

identity .."

Misery ..

She had this world all chained up to her wrists , pulling her into that hollow deep shit , she was caged , all stuck onto something , something that she couldn't see or hear but feel , she never saw those chains but she felt the crackling of them as they are pulled up.. People said it's all in her head ..
She felt miserable , to the point where somehow she started doubting herself as insane but that insanity got worse and then worst ..

All she tried to manage was not to collapse anytime soon but she saw that coming .. 
One day she will be crumbled up into pieces like a pastry .. The voices , the screams , they were all there all along , getting louder and louder with those chains crackling up as she struggled to get out of the cage ..

Difference

He thought of the rainy days , the winter nights cuddling forever , the thoughts of summer afternoons , lingering together with her .. He had the thoughts of sunset and the dawns , the stars and the full moon , that life of a perfect story .. The dreams he had , for never real , a fantasy or a myth !!

She thinks of what it was , what it will or would be , scared of the things , of the people around..
Thoughts of what to answer , how it would be.. She was a girl , he wouldn't seem to understand.. She had her fears , along with those dreams.. She thinks of the courage , that she'd never have !!

But they both knew ..

They both knew
all too well , it was destined to get apart ,
It wasn't eternal , wasn't for long ,
but addicted they were..
So now it's hard , hard to be apart ..
Forcing each other , pushing , trying ,
waiting for something ..
Something never to be happen again..
Destiny had it all written ,
and they both knew ..

Stupid Diaries ..

(2:45 AM)

Dear Diary !
Today was the worst day of my life .. I lost someone , I lost a part of me and it hurts , it hurts so bad em afraid it would bleed , funny thing is , I lost something that never belonged to me .. or should I say I never dared to make it mine , either ways , I lost today ..
From the past 2 years this girl was the only person I had my eyes on .. I saw her in her best and at her worst .. I saw her laughing out loud among her friends and I saw her got into this fight , this fight with some students of the campus .. Gosh ! she was furious , like she would rip someone's throat apart , I doubted that .. So that day I had to step up and get her away from them .. I calmed her down and finally when she was calmed down I left her alone with her girls ..I guess I shouldn't have ..
It's not that I haven't tried . I did , but then again somehow I felt like I am not good enough for her, of course I am not ,I will never be .. I thought I should be a better person for her , after all she is flawless and why would she give a damn about me ? But I guess I ran out of time ..
Today , when I saw her with that boy , smiling , as if she has her world all lighten up with stars shining over her  when finally I realized I really am not good enough for her and when now I feel like I've missed any chances if I ever had , something is breaking inside me , like I am losing everything I have ever held on to , my hope , my hope of being with her is gone !!

---------------------*******---------------*******-------------******---------------------*********--------------


(2:45 AM)


Dear Diary !!

Today I am starting a new chapter in my life .. A chapter I thought would be different in different scenario and with a different person but well life never turns out the way you plan it , right ? I should be happy right now but I don't know why there is something that is not there and I can not figure it out ..
I've waited two long years for this boy , waited that one fine day he will come to me or ask me out but he never did .. I saw him everyday , he was right there in front of me everyday in the campus , always around or maybe I was always around , either way I wonder how he never noticed how much I adore him , how much I wanted him to step up to me , how my cheeks flushed when out of nowhere he suddenly glare at me ..
Ahh ! I remember the day , that day when some of the students from a group caught me staring at him again , and they called him a loser , I lost it all of a sudden , we had a huge fight and I had no idea what I was doing until he came and got me away .. I peaked at him , I was afraid he would know the reason behind the fight.. I still think he is not a loser , maybe he doesn't like me ..
Every time I thought to reach him first , my friends said just wait for him , you are a girl, you should wait and that was true , If he liked me he would have spoken up .. And now today , finally I realized that there are somethings that never belongs to you , so was he .. He was never mine , he never will be .. 
It hurts , so much but it will get better , I figured it out , I know what was there all along and now it's not , it's my hope .. !!

I dream ..

~ Here's this boy beside me sleeping like a child ..

I look at him and wonder , how he became

the light , he shine , the world and mine ..

~ Smiling at him , running fingers on his arm

i remember him saying I'm his

love , his passion , his dream and his charm..

~So , I wrap him up , close my eyes and

wish in the middle of the night..
that I could find my fairytale ,

my happy ending and forever in his arms !! 

The Faded Love ..

I have always heard that love could be happen at anytime , anywhere or in any moment..
Yes, they are right 
I remember the days when I was too young and silly that I used to start chatting with random people on cellphone..
One day , Destiny did its work and he came into my life , and soon we became best friends. We had a lot of things in common.. He shared his past, dreams , thoughts with me and so did I..
We started liking each other and one beautiful day he told me that he actually loves me !!

And he wants to spend his whole life with me..But I wasn't prepared.. I was regreting why I made him fall for me when I wasn't able to catch him..And finally I said 'NO'..
I never knew that I was so lucky that he continued to love me even after that..
Long story short, months passed and a few months later his passionate love , caring behaviour made me fall for him..
And in an intoxicated night I said the three magical words to him.. 'I Love You'

And the beautiful journey started.. Trust me, to be loved by a person whom you love truly is a bliss.. We had a million dreams together now.. We promised each other of pure love , sincerity and trust..
I remember how we first met , so nervous yet so excited..The first gifts.. The first feelings of being together, I can't explain..

Nights and days were unending , Sometimes I wonder how we used to talk whole day.. We had a million of things to share.

People says God makes pairs in Heaven , maybe they were true.. Life was bit like a fairytale , perfect fantasies , my perfect prince charming and me who wasn't actually a princess but he treated me like one..

Time went a little ahead and he went abroad for his studies , it was hard for me to let him go but I couldn't do anything.. He had to go for his future and ours..Two years flew away and nothing went wrong..I thought distances can't do anything , thought that our love was strong enough to bear the distances..

We had an amazing relation..I used to wait for him till midnight to come online and then we used to chat about all the stuff we did whole day..His new life without me , my days without him and every single thing..We tease each other , taunt each other, fight madly on stupid things but in the end we come to each other saying sorry and everything set perfect like always..But whatever we thought , apart from all that our lives had to change ..

As time went ahead , the chats became shorter , fights started increasing.. Distances threw us apart from each other..unable to talk , unable to understand..

And now , after 4 years of love and romance I am writing this story, collecting pieces from past and memories, wondering where did I go wrong and why did the magic faded away..

Well , yeah I guess life isn't a fairytale with prince charming and his white horse , neither it has a perfect life nor a happy ending..Love is still there but don't know how and when things changed..

Life is short for regreting things you did.. Memories are pretty enough for one to remember..

And as life changes opinion changes too..But when you have spent a beautiful time with a person you loved the most its hard to remain apart !!

Like A doll ..

She was a little girl with beautiful sparkling eyes, bright thoughts and a magical smile. Smile that can catch any one's eye. Loved to play with dolls infact herself was like a doll.
So young to understand what people say and what they actually mean to say. Her 'Baba' was her hero, the most handsome man of the world and her ideal. Was living in her own small beautiful world.
But she grew older.. Now she started dreaming..Things that almost all teenage girls love to dream about..

• • She wanted to be loved now , to be loved by a man who should be like her baba , the perfect gentleman..Handsome , caring , trustworthy and most of all worth loving..She waited for so long until she finally met him.. He was more than she always wanted..His brown sparkling eyes got deep down her young little heart..Anytime she walked beside him, with his attractive smile and magical moves he made her skip her heartbeat..
• He used to call her 'Doll' and she was crazy about how he calls her 'Doll'..But the cruel world soon brought her into the bitter reality of life..She experienced how people can change , how mean they can be sometimes and how it feels to watch them change all over !!He , who promised her to stand by her till death, left her just because he started liking a super hot girl who wanted him to be with her..He , who used to call her doll ,actually played with her like a doll and threw her away..He was so weak that soon after finding another option he just decided to leave her..The simple words " Sorry! Now I am not into you " were not enough for that little girl to heal the pain and scars that he left for her..And in the moment , she became a big girl.. She is now alone , sitting in a corner of her bedroom with tears rolling down off her eyes , ached heart and shatterred dreams.. She threw the dolls out of her window that she used to play with , she hates the word Doll now as it reminds her of his voice saying this to her..And finally now she knows not everyone is going to be like her baba whom she can trust.. She can't trust any one in this horrible world and not everyone is worth loving !!

' Supporting Gaza '

"I am a Pakistani and I support Gaza"
Yes, I support Gaza because I don't have any one else who needs my support , I don't have my army busy fighting with those termites eating my country internally , I don't have my people, those IDPs (Internally Displaced Persons) who left their lands for the sake of my country , my people are not killed in daily basis by my own people , my children are not starving till death , my families are not homeless in this blessed month of Ramadan and my people are perfectly fine and on their best..
I will support Gaza and will condemn the Israeli acts because thats what I can do , Clearly I can't stand against TTP and Naa Maaloom Afraad because i am afraid in the morning they can be at my door but certainly I can support Gaza because Israeli's aren't coming for me any time soon..
I can change my Display Pictures in support of R4bia , Burma and Gaza because its trending but eventually I can't stand for my people and start trending for some change ! *pheww* But well , I am a Pakistani and I support Gaza ....

Hey .. You !

When the night is dark and there is silence all along ..
When there is no one beside you and you're on your own ..

When you lay down under the sky ,
finding constellations out of stars ,

Just close your eyes and go back to the time ,
when you had someone to call "Mine" ..

When you caught a shooting star ,
and you wished upon with all your heart ..

When you were not what you are ,
and now you're not what you used to be ..

I hope you cross your heart and I hope tears filled up your eyes ..
I hope it hurts and I hope that you realize ..

You were a better person back there and now
you just have to turn around to be back there ..

Diary Of A Suicidal Soul ..

2:30 AM , and I feel suicidal ..

Yes, You heard it right , I feel suicidal ..

The feeling of killing myself lingering through me

so that I can just make an exit from this world ,

the world , which right now seems like a goddamn cruel place to me ..

So how should I end it ? This , My life ?

this miserable life , how should I end it ?

By slashing my wrist with those blades in my drawer ?

till they bleed me to death ?

But , it would be messy , painful than I could stand ..

I don't like blood , it creeps me out ..

No , and the probability of dying is lesser ..

Then ? Poison maybe ? But it would be pretty slow ..

What if I couldn't handle the poison 

slowly burning in my pharynx ?

and I try to change my mind ?

No , that would be pretty risky !
I am exhausted , 

who knew ending your own life could be such difficult ,

people do this all the time , I wonder how ??

But , wait , what if I eventually end it ?

they never even let you die in peace..

Do they ?

would they care then ? what if nobody gives a damn ?

I'm pretty sure they won't even remember the details of my face ..

and how do I know if it makes a difference for them or not ?

I will be dead after all !!
That doesn't make sense to me at all 

Yes ! I am still suicidal but what is all that mess for if one can't witness if it effects anybody or not ?

so , what's the conclusion for now ?

I can't die & I can't live either ?

What am I suppose to do now ?

Live miserably or die for nothing !!

Prisoners !!

Do you remember the day you told me about how we all are caged up somewhere and we all are prisoners by our own will? And I rolled my eyes and I wouldn't believe you.. I said, 'how can we be chaged up by our own will?'  It was senseless for me.. And I wouldn't agree, so you sighed and stated quietly, 'You will understand one day'..
Yes, I do now, as I listen to a particular line from my favorite song, "You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness", and it feels like the same thing you told me, addicted or caged by your own will, they both are the same,
just the words are different..
Yes we all are addicted to certain things, certain things we know might hurt us, might wreck us, but we don't let go, because we are caged..
We never let go because we are caged not by anyone but our own selves, prisoners of our own, it never occurs to us that this cage unlocks from the inside because we fear to fly, fear to be free, fear what if it stops hurting, fear of living without the addiction and fear of losing a part of us!!

Some Nights .. !!

Some nights are different , just like tonight is different , they make you fight within yourself more than usual , no matter how bad you try to stop yourself they end up ruining your self strength , so by the time this night ends , you have done those terrible things that you weren't supposed to do , they make you hate yourself just a little bit more and no matter how many times you try to calm yourself by saying 'just a few more hours and this night will be over' , it makes every single bone in your body break bit by bit , slowly , cruelly , bitterly ..

Fake Lies !!

'Hey ! I think I know you' .. Someone was standing by her trying to catch her attention..
She was looking over to the shores of the enormous sea , deepened down in her own thoughts when the voice hit her ears and then her heart .. Holding up her head she looked at the guy standing right beside her ..
Those eyes , she never understood what colour it was , dark grey or blue maybe , they reflect every emotion , every feeling and they were always happy , his happy eyes .. And that little dimple on his left cheek , how she always wanted to tell him that it makes him cute even when he smirks , how it feels like a star shining down on his cheek.. His hair is more than perfect now , those brown strands still flicks over to his for head like it always did while he wander around the campus with those beautiful girls and she always thought she will be a nobody to him forever..
But now he's standing there , asking her if they've ever met before.. She set her up shades again , came down from the pile of stones she's been sitting for hours now and she said , "No, You don't" !!

Space between the past and future !!

11:45 on the dial, 15 more minutes before leaving another year behind.. A year filled with so much stuff, like a box overflowed with items, trash and treasure all mixed up, tangling up with one another..
Standing at this pace of time, living those moments, not sure I am looking back or just planning for the future or might just analyze what happened where and how!
Last year, this same moment, all I did was preparing myself for leaving my teen..Trying to feel like a big girl just to secure my own self..But had I really succeeded ? And I get to admit now that securing yourself with walls around you only makes you suffocated so why wear an armor all the time? 
Well, apart from all these philosophic thoughts, this year gave me a lot to be thankful of, Yes! I don't have regrets this year, I blessed of things I never dreamt of, I did things never imagined or planned on, I changed those little things in me I never thought I'd ever change so yeah..It's not just only that depressed stuff, but the blessed ones too..
It's about time in a few more minutes, before my family comes to wish me, before my cell phone starts bursting out, before that feeling of not getting a wish from any old friends surrounds me, here me, with my 20th year packed and wrapped up with a smile, saying that bundle a goodbye hoping to never take it back out again, stepping into my 21st, all my heart and my head screams yes.. "Hold on! You can survive this too "..